Arcadian Argonauts

Welcome to Facebook!

Excerpts taken from Facebook status updates of username: “LAMF”:

I met these other changeling people at this bar I usually pick up at. Looks like the head guy is a old ass motherfucka man named Reggie. People seem to not really trust his ass, don’t really like him myself. Since I got here though I never really trust anyone. Feels like something is gnawing on my brain man… like I just wanna kill something. Or fuck something. It’s hard to tell which sometimes… lust is lust and I got it bad. Anyway we done some shit together, nothing interestin. There’s a skinny army bitch who I’d fuck, some noodly scardey-ass bitch who looks too hard to catch, a kid, some suit who looks like he needs an axe in the face and a bunch of other court people who I don’t give a shit about. Whateva, see where it goes…

WHY IN THE FUCK DO I HANG OUT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKERS? This bitch that we just HANDED OVER to the Fall court bitches just GREW FUCKING TREES out his ass! We was on this bus, then trees and shit just flipped the motherfucker over like a tornado flips a trailer1!! Fcukin guy turns INTO LEAVES, the little girl grabs the leaves, and MOTHERFUCKER SHOWS UP BLEEDIN LIKE A STUCK PIG! I don’t know what the fuck is happenin any more, I’m loosin’ my shit here. Motherfuckin Hedge goblins, little fuckers are annoying and I wanna axe them but I can’t because the fucking COURTS always ridin my ass. I know I teamed up with the winter bitches because I don’t wanna get thrown back into the pit! But they don’t do SHIT around here! I JUST WANNA AXE SOME FACE AND FUCK SOME ASS BUT I CAN’T!!! Shit is FRUSTRATING nigga!

So the big one is wearing a dress now, suits the big sideburns-ass queer. The homeless guy is trying to get with the rich bitch… Good luck mothafucka, she wants the BIG BAD LAMF DICK! She just don’t know it yet!!!1 And we is supposed to impress all these little court people from asialand apparently, not really sure why. Don’t really give a fuck, just can’t wait to bury Ingvar into another face. He likes blood, he misses and so do I. I’ll BBL, gotta find some asshole to relieve some tension in. LAMF OUT!!!

What up in this mothafuck??? Japo-chineese-whatever-east I don’t know people are dumb as HELL! I ask this slanty-eyed bitch to polish off mister Wang and they look at me like I’m RACIST?! I mean I am racist, but that shit ain’t racist, just trying to get my sucky-sucky ya know what I’m sayin? I look like an aboriginal ROANLD MCDONALD IN THIS MOTHERCUKER! I was trying to get PANDA SUIT to BLEND IN with these people! Anyway I hate this fuckin place, every time I whip out my axes people look at me like I’M the asshole! BITCH JUST MAKE THE FUCKIN SALMON ROLL!!@!

Intercepted Message 017


LOGIN: Natalie_Bridges168145
PASS: **********


C:> CD D:\CASEFILE\161364> Run TraceRoute7.exe


DATE: 9/15/13 16:48:09


HAMMER γ: Sir, with all due respect, why the fuck am I here?

ANVIL: It’s amazing how after the phrase “with all due respect” people always say something rude.

HAMMER γ: Japan, I’m not really suited for it. I know we have people who are fluent in Japanese, we have people trained as diplomats, and we have people who are much more likely to get this job done. Why me?

ANVIL: You wanted a chance to prove yourself didn’t you? What happened to all your arrogant confidence? Not going soft are we?

HAMMER γ: I’ve “removed” two people since I got here, softness isn’t the issue. It’s about diplomacy. Look, I’m smart enough to know my own weaknesses and dealing with political bullshit is one of them.

ANVIL: Kid, this is bigger than you. There’s a reason you were chosen for this job. Despite what you might think you are one of the best equipped people to handle this, and because of that fact, it’s your responsibility and yours alone. Best to just accept it and press on.

HAMMER γ: …I … will try to trust in you sir… but I have my doubts. I’m not sure I trust these people.

ANVIL: Good, doubt will keep you self-aware, and mistrust will keep you vigilant. Now stop being a bitch.




NSA NOTE: These files have been restricted to only USA government servers. Level 6 security clearance required to access. If you have received this message and are not an NSA employee please contact the NSA directly for reasons of national security.

The Resurrection

Enter Skid, a strong and wealthy biker babe who lives for thrills. She sits in COLORS, sipping on whiskey and eating a nice dish of red. Reggie plops down beside her looking obviously upset. He tells her the story of the loss of his friend, the werewolf Jeff, and the troubling uncertainty of his disappearance. She offers to help find his body and enlists the friend of her “friend”, a pit-fighting mortal known only as Rahk. Armed with a talisman that prevents him from losing his mind in the hedge, the two of them cross into the goblin market to discover the fate of Reggie’s lost companion.

In the market is where they happen upon Rudy, looking rather lost and trying to find his way into the stable which houses the hobgoblin Bearmelius. the group decided to team up and assist each other, which took the form of destroying Lumpybottom’s shop to free their new pet hobgoblin. After then terrorizing the local merchants to collect information about Jeff’s whereabouts, they set off down a path toward the place of Jeff’s supposed demise.

Along the path, they encounter creatures of the hedge, a Vileshrike (which they make short work of) and the two wolves that had attacked Calisto and Jeff. After chasing down and eviscerating the already wounded wolves, the group carried on to find a cave. Bearmelius, too big to enter, was left behind. The group pressed on, deep into the cave encountering a massive number of Wyrd-Mites (colloquially known as “Hedge crabs”) swarming over a body. The three then stood facing a massive, glowing crab. Rudy attempted to make an escape route through a crack in the wall while Skid and Rahk split the crab in half. Wolves began to stream through the opening in the wall and the group took off, Jeff’s body in tow. Skid fell upon receiving too many bites from the attacking animals. Eventually, Rudy and Rahk managed to axe their way through the pack and escape the darkness of the cave.

Rahk, not persuaded the obvious charm of Prometheans, left his companions behind in the care of Rudy to find his own way out of the hedge. He never made it to the market. Rudy, Jeff and Skid did however return to COLORS and survived the ordeal, Skid survived bearing a few scars and a bruised ego, and Jeff, having barely managed to cling to life for so long, had a very difficult recovery but did survive under the care of Reggie. He wasn’t about to let his friend die again.

Intercepted Message 007

Entry of 7/30/13
CASEFILE 161364.
NSA USR: Natalie_Bridges168145

…BounceTrace: USR EniTech (UK) 418.625.555.1
…BounceTrace: USR Google (US)
…BounceTrace: USR Unicorp (DE) 228.418.332.7
…BounceTrace: USR ϭϡᵜẄỒỀɻ>>>>>>>>>>…@)#$(D>>>>>>>>>>…
TRASMITTED:TraceRoute 201.332.018.001


HAMMER γ: Directive received sir.

ANVIL: Understood. Please update.

HAMMER γ: Parties in question have been amicable to the requests of CW. Minor injury incurred by the WW Female at his hands. Both WW appear to have been killed across the Boundary, details fuzzy. Information received through secondary sources/high ranking members. Please advise for future directives

ANVIL: Killed? Fuck, I wished to keep the male safe… No matter, the mission remains.

HAMMER γ: The male? The companion of RM? Why would you want to protect the anomaly?

•••• TRACE PROGRAM INITATED (7/30/13. 12:22:06 )••••

ANVIL: STOP! I think we’re being traced.

HAMMER γ: Understood. Communications switching to… the old-fashioned way

ANVIL: Correct. Thank you friend.



NSA NOTE: 7th time we have intercepted encrypted messages to USR: ANVIL. User’s I.P. address changes every time and appears to have a global network of proxys. Capt. has no clue what security the usr is using… Too many man hours have been wasted on this case with no real information gained. recommending termination of case file 161364 due to lack of actionable intel.


Rudy's Diary Entry 1
Dear diary,

Rudy here. Been a while. Sorry for not keeping in touch. Things been busy, you understand.

Lets see. Latest updates. A group of changers broke my roof but they fixed it, I say it aint as good as used to be on account of now it looks all new. This ruins my dekore decor because the rest of Shay Rudy is still a shithole but they made an effort so it is all good. Rudy did not know what a changer was and still does not really but am getting the gist of it. It is a learning expedience for all.

Little Girl had a magic locket or something and in a supprise surprise to everybody she was a missing girl that Rudy was looking for. Also she is rich. The magic locket also involved a man with a carriage who emerged from a solid wall, only he was not a man, he was some kinda octopus (?) but Rudy and co. defeated him with axes and lesser wepons. After that we went to a carnival. Rudy lost gratiously gave away victory in an axe competition to a sweaty man named Murk. He looked like he needed the win. Also wrestled the gym fruit. Rudy won but no surprise there. Werewolves were there also and joined Rudy and co. but Rudy does not trust them. They will probably eat one of the changers soon, either Little Girl or Rodney most likely because Little Girl is a little girl and so is Rodney in many ways, he is smart but is frajile fradgil breaks easily.

Most recently the changers + Rudy came under suspition of one of the changer Courtrooms and therefor had to find a man named Redballs only Rudy did not want to do this on account of there was nothing in it for him. On trying to get a favour from the Autum Courtroom Rudy met with a very rude reseptinist secratery desklady, would likely hit her except for the fact that she is a lady (but is not ladylike). Shame bout the favour tho. Really thought Rudy was going to find him this time diary but Rudy might get that favour yet. If anybody can do it the Autum Courtroom can do it.

Anyway Rudy had some business to take care of so he missed what happened next but he hears the werewolves died. Good riddance Rudy says. Throw their bodies in the woods and let some other wolves eat em Rudy says, that would show them. Also Redballs was returned to the Courtroom but Rudy was not there to object so what could be done. In other news Bearmelius is nearly trained! So that is some good news. Well that is all for now diary. See you again soon maybe.



(PS Bearmelius is the horse-bear-dragon Rudy found in some place called the Hedge, Rudy thought he dreamed it at first but the changers say no, it is a true real place)
The Fall


Jeff and Calisto continued their journey into the hedge, following Redfall’s blood trail. When they did finally come to a clearing the ground was soaked with blood. Jeff recognized the location as where he was originally bitten and turned into a werewolf. He also recognized two lupine figures creeping through the bushes. After a failure to communicate with the insane beasts, a fight ensued. The battle was bloody, flesh being ripped from bone by tooth and claw. In the end, the hedge-wolves claimed two more victims.

Realme saw only the result; desperately trying to save the lives of her new friends through a veil of tears, there was nothing she could do as the other wolves were still feasting upon Jeff and Calisto’s bodies. She ran, finding Lamf and Rod and escaping back into the safety of earth.

The motley turned to Autumn Court for assistance, asking for information as to what their next move should be. Clockwork himself answered their plea with the revelation that he must have escaped into the old burned-down Red Badge facility. The group, fueled by loss and vengeance, took the bus into the facility.

That’s where they found him and met Whitewash for the first time, laying in a pool of blood on the floor, barely conscious. Whitewash tried to get out of there through reasoning with the group. When that ultimately failed, he tried to escape by running but was abruptly brought down by Rod’s arrow. Rod, Realme and Lamf then brought him aboard the bus and tried to sedate and secure him. That’s when Redfall resumed control; Roots burst from the ground and immobilized the bus and shattering the windows. Red attempted an escape by once again transforming into leaves but was brought down by a quick thinking Realm, grabbing what she could before they flew out the window. The damage to Red’s body completely incapacitated him. Ultimately, the group freed the bus from the foliage, secured Redfall and the Apple as well.

Upon returning both Red and the Apple to Autumn court, the three of them were rewarded with the goodwill of Autumn court and a sliver of respect from Clockwork himself.


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